So, I am reading back over these and realizing I haven't posted on this in a long time. What I can say right now is that there is an issue I'm feeling. For those who might read this again, I'm just gonna rant. The chronicle ends in about a year. There is some great story happening, and at this point i'm stuck.

I've been told I'm not allowed to take sariel to a few places. I've annoyed global cause of miscommunications, I've even had the enjoyment of watching stuff happen cause I missed dates on things cause I've been trying to finish up RL stuff. Heck the fact that I actually considered throwing my PC of the entire chronicle out the window cause one little plot line that I've been promised and told will be ran but like 5 different Storytellers has never happened.

I'm stuck with my PC in a game about 300+ miles away and can't attend cause I wish I had that money and the time to drive to Chicago a lot. I've got a whole lot of no where else and I'm being left in the dark on plot movement. I feel yet again, I'm starting plots, pulled people in. Asked for help by others with getting told a lot of "no" and now being shoved out of the plots by players. Guess I should of seen it coming. No one wants Sariel around much anymore.

In the other news, got Status 5 in the sanctified approved. Yeah, and at this point I got nothing left on the personal goals other then "Saint" title and hunting down a damned demon. I hate when I can't even get a simple plot line ran.

Well, Here I am in an odd situation. I always considered when I had a problem with a ST I talked to them first about it. If we came to a understanding then I cut back. If I found I was wrong, then I stepped back and kept shut. If I was right I was alright.

Now, what I don't prefer is that I got the VST position on Friday night. That is when it was announced. As of today, I have already been given the "We don't like your plots" and "we find offense in how you react to our actions" and the big one, "Thinking of VNoC" For those of you who don't know those letters. That is "Vote of No Confidence"

Now I admit I messed up in something with one person. I was wrong for that, and I stated as such. Now I'm getting told there are multiple people talking to regional about what I'm doing. What I don't get is that if everyone is so offended and thinking all this, why did they vote me in? Why not vote the other in? Why did this happen this way?

Oh heres the better one.. Apparently It is talk to someone else and then go the other way. So There are issues.. just on one can fess up to me about it. Honestly, that hurts a lot. The previous VST stated they fired their Players. I'm starting to understand now.

Okay, I'm sorry. but there are times that I understand in the Camarilla, that there is a sense of, "We have to make this look good" and "deviating a little from cannon works". Which, don't get me wrong, I can respect. On the other hand, I want to point a quote from nash.. "If your gonna play an ordo dracul then read the Ordo Dracul book."

So to the STs out there whose plot lines are hurting my head cause you have taken something from cannon and are twisting it cause you are using a small blurb from some book instead of reading the other book or ALL the information out there, or even asking the ones above you in the chain to give you hand.. so I'll just say it flat.

IF YOUR GONNA RUN BELIAL'S BROOD PLOT LINES, THEN READ THE BELIAL'S BROOD BOOK!

Why? cause aren't they all just ravaging worshipers of a demon and infernalists? OH HELL NO! These are not the Baali from Masquerade. These are the Belial's Brood, you wanna get the best explanation really as to what they are, LOOK at the book. IF that is to much for you then, THINK Path of Cathari Meets Feral Heart. Plan and FUCKING simple. They don't worship some "Demon" they revere who they think was the first of there is blessed by the Adversary. In basics.. THEY ARE LIKE THE LANCEA SANCTUM IN THE FACT THAT THEY REVERE BELIAL AS A PROPHET OF ADVERSARY LIKE THE LS REVERE LONGINUS TO GOD!

Now that I've got that one out of the way.. to all you people who go, "I'm not christian so I can't play a LS" or "I don't wanna make it think I believe in god" then I got this point. Seriously? I mean you can pretend your a centuries old blood sucking bad guy, who plots plans and prepares to screw over every ally and baby that they can get a edge over to make more power in the world.. but you can't extend your senses to play something that might be to close to a "mortal" religion?

A wonderful quote from a movie I love. From when in 13th warrior in the underground, one who realizes that hes had the probably best day of his life and now, its ending. That is how it was for me. I had just gotten my hands on a wonderful new job. I am getting paid to work in my field and nicely at that. I was starting to feel great about myself. My younger brother is getting married at the end of this month. My wife found a job, and I've begun my plans to finish up the last 9 credit hours so I can have my bachelor and raise my head up high and go, "It took me 11 years.. but I got it." Things were really turning around from where they were.

I've connected with a lot of old friends, and made new ones. I've found support emotional, mentally and physical in so many places. I've found so much of my life that I had buried and left forgotten. Heck, I'm starting to make it in the new city I was living in. So what happened to make things so harsh for me? What simple little set of words could make my world crash down around like a pile of cards that has been toppled by the slightest breeze. One simple phone call.

I got the Text from my older brother saying to call home. Then I got told I 'd be called back. So that is what I did. So in the end, I was thinking it had to do something with the Tux and the wedding. How wrong was I. With a trembling voice my mom spoke to me. She called and asked how the day was. She just had the edge in the voice of the kind when you know a kids trying to be tough but they scraped there knee and they just want to let loose. In my Case,I was hoping that it would be maybe some good or just frustrating news. That is when she said the phrase, "Aaron, just so you know, Grandma passed away this evening."

So right now, What am I doing? I'm just letting my fingers run all over the keyboard. I'm resisting the urge to go running out into the night screaming and clawing at what ever presents itself. I'm holding back the urge to go find a bottle of something good and curl up in it, letting my sorrows wash away in the brown liquid that brings with it the numb sleep of peace followed by the aching morning of defeat. I wanna scream at God or Who ever is listening to give me back the 90 year old woman who meant so much to me. The ONLY woman who ever got my wife to eat a tomato willingly. The woman who taught me the joys a deck of cards could bring. Who took me to see the barrel racing horses when the rodeo was in town. Who was there to hold me when I lost a tooth. To pat my back and wipe my mouth after I Vomited on her carpet. To help me up when I toddled and split my chin open with fire place they had. To scold me and tell me when I was doing wrong. To give me the last slice of cherry pie from the pan so I got all the good stuff. Who taught me the joy of cooking.

So I figure I'll say this once and so its good and clear. The world lost someone great today. Some one who mattered in this world and Someone made the world bright and cheerful. Some who I always would dread the 3 hour car ride to their place cause I wanted to hug her. To know that somewhere in all of this, I have lost one of the greatest muses. The worst part about this all, I was working on a new celtic cross knot work piece. The idea struck me a few nights ago, and I'd been finishing it today. got the last lines done today, when I knew something was wrong.

Somehow, So I leave you with a song. one I heard my grandma play on the old out of tune piano in the basement of that house. A song that she kept with her, because she had such wonderful faith. She was a proud and stubborn old woman who I can only hope to aspire to.

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
How I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where His glory forever I'll share

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

-----
Virginia Moomey
October 6th, 2010

I'm sitting here at 3 a.m. I've a job interview at 1pm later today for working at a Virtual Highschool as a web master. At this point in time I don't think I've been more afraid and insecure i my moments of being alive. I'm a nervous wreck of emotions at the moment and doing the best I can to keep in one piece. If nothing else I can only hope that things will go wonderfully for me. I've got a lot of people pulling and hoping for me. I've got prayers done to back me. I've got so many things going to try and push me to do the best.

The worst part is i'm afraid. For those of you who read this and don't know me, thats fine. For those who do, I'm so pent up and scared that I'll not get this job oppurtunity that I don't know what to do after this. I'm tired of being broke, unemployed and down in the dirt. I keep on smiling for my wife and telling her its gonna be okay, but I'm afraid that my own hope is breaking in on itself. That I've got nothign left after this that will be worth it. I have barely anything to show for experience other then anything I can code out of a wiki that is so far related to a non profit Live Action RP group. I'm so far out there that I'm trying to dig up anything I've got to try and show that yes I do know how to code. I know I can do it, but at the same time I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. I don't wanna go to bed because I can't stand to let my wife see me in tears. I can't stand to keep on going, shouldering all this worry of how I'm gonna keep things going.

I'm tired, I'm hurting and I'm at my wits ends. I'm almost to the point of regreeting gong back to school when I did. If I hadn't I wouldn't have so much debt that it would be killing me. I've been so close before and only been told that they didn't need me.

Somewhere out there, I know that all I can do is hear the old words of my probation officer I had when I was stupid. Her telling me that "If I don't see you again, someone else will, and it will be for something really stupid." All I can do to keep on thinking that something I am gonna do is gonna make sense and be special for something for myself. I just want to do everyone proud and make them all smile, to keep on shouldering all these worries and remind that hope is actually worth it. That everything I was ever taught about getting on in life will be alright. I feel like I'm just being watched, that my grand pa, and all my relatives and dead friends are just watching me. Noting to see if I'm gonna make it or not.

I'm such an emotional mess right now. I can't show weakness to the woman I love or it'll make it worse for her. I can't call out to a friend as its 3 am, and they are sleeping and I don't want to wake them up on that. That and I'd have to get the phone past my wife. I'm just not sure what to do. Somehow, if someone knows.. I could use the help, the push, or the other thoughts that might help. Somehow, I think I know who others feel when they smile to make no one else worry around them. When they are shouldering it all to try and seem like everythings okay, or make others laughs and keep them in good morale. Eventually, the pride gets them and they can't get free of that cycle. Just waiting for the moments when they will break down and crash. Leaving nothing behind in private but a emotionally crushed and withered husk of who they once were. All to help others. Sometimes, I hate myself for putting so much stock in Hope.

Right.. so here I go again. I'm not sure what it is I'm suppose to be doing at the moment. I just know that i'm here. I'm stuck in my little thought of somehow, Some way.. something is going to be alright.

Its been about a year since I wrote something about someone who passed away. I got a big suprised the other day. I was up in Omaha, NE seeing my family. My Grandmother, she smiled and looked at me and said, "Oh, Aaron, I don't think you know but your Uncle Wayne sent me something about Bob," Now you see Bob, or Robert Moomey, was the one who passed. Ends up my Uncle Wayne Moomey, searched his Full name on the internet. He saw this great post and long written bit off a Livejournal. He cried and sent it to my grandmother. She had it at thanksgiving. She showed it to me. AS I read over the words I knew who wrote it. My grandma said, "Who ever that is.. Sariel james is a pretty smart guy." She didn't know it was me. All I could do was say, "Yeah Grandma, I'm sure he is." Ended up sitting back and playing a board game with her.

So yeah, that was a few weeks ago. So what am I doing right now? I'm sitting her and thinking that I know my mom must have said something. Ends up, she didn't. I told my grandmother before I left. She smiled and cried to me.

So where am I right now? Sitting in front of a computer writing cause I heard the news. A good friend found out he was HIV Positive a bit back. He has made it past to get some health back. He has overcome a lot, now some of you. You probably know him. Probably know a lot about the situation more then me. Yes, I've had to deal with a few friends finding out they have AIDs and HIV. I've had to deal with watching people treat them like Leepers. Now, I can some people looking at someone and going, "please dont'.. please don't touch me.. I don't want to get it," But lets face it. You've gotta know how it transfers. Thats education easily to know what needs to be done.

So yeah, those who know whats up, alright. Thing though is still, they are human and they still need someone.

So for time again, I come writing,
About a friend, someone I knew.. long ago,
When I was childish and needed to grow,
Never so close to real much, but knew him some,
And in this all the world just seems a little dimmer again,
as a candle was cut short from glowing as bright as it could,
one less candle that was good and pure,
One less candle that tried to make a difference.
One less candle that mattered in this world,
Taken away by irresponsiblity,
now I'm mad, and having my time.

RIP - Jesse Cavenaugh ~2009
http://www.ketv.com/video/21268275/index.html

Merry Christmas Robot Man, and to all the others out there. Happy Holidays and enjoy the anal violations.

It was once said that in a messed up situation the mind of humanity has the great ability to snap back. We are always taught to pick ourselves up and carry on. We have done wonders in continuing on when at times we should not even been standing. At some point in time the world turns just a bit more and we start to look at the stars.

We start to question the morals and ethics of humanity and the time we have upon this earth. We begin to notice the stars twinkle just a bit brighter or dimmer in the night sky. The smell of flowers really are that different, and sometimes a bit of food does taste that good. We begin to wonder what all the possibilities out there are. We start to look at those around us and wonder exactly we are around in this place for. We look to all we toil over in our short time on this place we call life. How we fight, squander, argue, rejoice, party, remember, and grind our mind to a halt in some major movement of things.

For some who know me, that when I write like this, something is not right in my life when I get this philosophical. So I'm going to put it out there now. Someone I have known my entire life. A man who was there to see me when I was just a child, and was there to hold me when I feel down, or teach me to play chess. He passed away the other day. This man was my Grandfather who I was given his name as my middle name. He taught me right from wrong on many occasions. He gave me a moral back bone and an interest in the arts. He whooped my butt when I hit my brother in the head with a baseball intentionally. He showed me pictures of when he was a top bubble gunner on a bomber plane in WW2. He showed me right from wrong, and made me know when to pick my fights and when to run. Somewhere in all the world, my life just got a bit different and a little bit more cold. so I apologize ahead of time to all my friends who bounce around me if I snap and snarl for the next few weeks. I am sorry if I crawl down into a hole and don't seem to be responsive, the world just got a little more colder for me. So I leave you with a poem that he taught me when I was a younger man.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Moomey
December 7th, 2008